PARENT ADVICE 101

TIPS FOR COPING WITH YOUR SON/DAUGHTER LEAVING FOR COLLEGE

Listed below are 7 tips that you may find helpful in managing your student’s first year at college.

Tip#1 Don’t ask them if they are homesick.

The power of association can be problematic. A student once told me “The idea of being homesick didn’t even occur to me, with all of the new things that were going on, until my mom called and asked “Are you homesick?” Then it hit me. The first few days and weeks of college are packed and the challenge of meeting new people and adjusting to new situations take most of a new student’s time and concentration. So, unless they are reminded of it (by well-meaning parents), they may not even experience homesickness. And, even if they don’t tell you during those first few weeks, they do miss you.

Tip#2 Write - even if they don’t write back.

Although new college students are typically eager to experience all the away-from-home independence they can in those first weeks, they are still anxious for family ties and the security those ties bring. Most first-year students really appreciate news from home, however insignificant it may seem.

Tip#3 Ask questions – but not too many

Most first-year college students desire the security of knowing that someone from home is still interested in them. Parental curiosity can be alienating or supportive, depending on the communication of the persons involved. Honest inquiries – but not excessive – will do much to help the transition for both parents and students.

Tip #4 Don’t worry (too much) about stressed-out phone calls or letters.

Parenting can be a thankless job, especially during the college years. Often when troubles become too much for a first-year student to handle (a failed test, ended relationship, and shrunken T-shirt all in one day), the only place to turn, write or dial is home. Often, unfortunately, this is the only time that the urge to communicate is felt so strongly by your son or daughter, so you never get to hear about the “A” paper or the new best friend. In these difficult times, your student can unload trouble or tears, and after getting things off their chest, they return to the next adventure, relieved and enlightened, while you inherit the burden of worry.

Tip #5 Visit – but not too often

Visits by parents – especially when accompanied by shopping sprees and dinners out – are another part of the first year that students may be reluctant to admit liking, but greatly appreciate. Pretended disdain of parental visits is just another part of the first-year transition. These visits give the student an opportunity to introduce some of the important people in his/her new world. Also, it is a way for parents to become familiar with their son or daughter’s new activities. One bit of advice: spur-of-the-moment visits are usually not appreciated. It’s a good idea to call first.

Tip #6 Don’t tell your student that “These are the best years of y our life”

The first year of college can be full of indecision, insecurity, disappointment, and most of all, mistakes. At the same time, the first year is full of discovery, inspiration, good times, and exciting experiences. It can take a little while for students to realize that what they are experiencing is normal and to accept that being nervous, confused, and sometimes overwhelmed is all part of the transition process. Those parents who accept and understand the highs and lows of their student’s development will be able to provide the support and encouragement when it is needed most.

Tip#7 Trust them (maybe the most important)

Finding oneself is difficult enough without feeling that the people whose opinions you respect most are second-guessing your own second-guessing. One student wrote: “One of the most important things my mom ever wrote me in my four years at college was this: I love you and want for you all the things that make you the happiest; and I guess you, not I, are the one who knows best what those things are.” She wrote this to her student during the senior year. I’m sure it would mean just as much to your son or daughter now as a freshman as it did to that student as a senior.