• Ask yourself what it is you don’t know yet.   Sometimes, our perspective on a conflict can be very different from the other person’s view. This means that what one person sees as critical to the conflict may not be all that important to the other(s) involved. Understanding the other person’s perspective and attitude about the problem can affect how it is addressed and resolved.
• Assume people want you to be happy.  Once we get angry or upset, it’s easy to think that other person meant to make us feel miserable. Don’t make assumptions about what their intentions were, however. Doing so may prevent us from reaching any kind of agreement/solution.
• Spend as much time listening as you do talking.   If we concentrate on really hearing what we’re being told, we can learn new things about ourselves and about how others perceive us. This can be essential to resolving the dispute, because we may not know just how and how much others think we’re responsible for the problem at hand.
• Avoid blaming or shaming others.   Instead, we should focus on expressing our feelings in a way that facilitates the process of achieving an outcome that satisfies everyone involved. We can let others know how we feel without putting them on the defensive by using “I” Statements. The most basic form of an “I” Statement includes a feeling followed by the action that lead up to it and the resulting consequence.

  Example: I felt angry when you left your dirty clothes on the floor because my friends came home with me and I was embarrassed about how the apartment looked.

• Be clear, straightforward and concrete in your communication.  One way we can do this is to give specific examples of what we’ve seen, heard, and experienced which have contributed to our perspective on the conflict. Each person should talk about what is important to them, how they feel, and what they need to get out of the situation.
• Maintain contact with the other party.   We need to make every effort to keep the communication lines open with those we’re in disagreement with. We may want to do something small for them that will meet one of their needs. If both people work to fulfill one of the other’s wishes, this will perpetuate an attitude of positive change in the relationship.
• Look for the needs and interests that lie behind concrete positions.   Behind every dispute, there are people who have certain needs that aren’t being met or are being abused in some way. We need to make sure we’re aware of our own needs as well as those of others. In addition, we should show honest concern about and understanding for the other party’s feelings and needs.
• Take a “time-out” if things get too intense.   When we get too angry, we lose our ability to listen and to think logically and rationally about a problem. Therefore, its best if we take a break to cool down. I recommend, however, that we don’t go more than three days before picking up the topic again.
• Make it easy for the other party to be constructive.  Let’s show them that we care about the things that are important to them by taking responsibility for what we’ve said and done that has contributed to the problem.
• Develop your ability to look at the conflict from the outside.   Take note of the things said and done that added to as well as lessened the conflict. Taking stock of these things enables us to learn from our mistakes and thus deal with conflict more effectively in the future. We also need to test our point of view of the problem by getting feedback from someone who is neutral. Furthermore, when we recognize that a conflict is developing with another, we should take action early to address it. In doing so, we can prevent a small disagreement from developing into a raging dispute.

Complied from:

Life Skillbuilders: Kopy Kit Reproducible Resources, (1994). Parlay International.

Jordan, T. (2004). Seven Guidelines for Handling Conflicts Constructively. Retrieved

           February 4, 2004 from the Mediate.com website: http://www.mediate.com/pfriendly.cfm?id=976