Here are a few guidelines to help us “fight fair” when we have a dispute we’re trying to resolve with someone else.   Fighting fair involves showing respect to the other person.   If we do this, then it’s much more likely that they’ll treat us respectfully, and they’ll probably be less defensive as well.

We can all benefit from less defensive people, because less defensive people think clearer and can thus come up with better solutions to their disagreements.  With this in mind, there are certain things we shouldn’t do when discussing or approaching a problem with a friend, roommate, or peer.   The following are all things that will undermine any efforts toward conflict resolution because they often lead to feelings of defensiveness and hostility.

Many of these are not things we consciously plan on doing, but rather happen because we fall into a habit of doing them.   Therefore, it will often take time, determination, and practice to change these behaviors.

• Name-call or attack the other person’s personality.   If we’re doing this, then we’re focused on getting back at that other person instead of actually working toward resolving the problem.   Thus, we should concentrate on talking about what the specific behaviors are that we want from the other person.
• Say things like “tough,” “forget it,” or “so what.”   We may think this is an obvious no-no, but it can be easy to say such things when we’re angry, frustrated, or tempted to avoid the tough issues.   Therefore, it may require our conscious effort to watch what we say, because such comments minimize or dismiss the other person’s point of view.
• Get stuck in the past.   Bringing up past problems, even if they are the same or similar to the problem at hand, is not recommended.   That’s because the past is over and none of us can go back and change it.   We can only influence what is here and now.
• Interrupt.   If we cut off what the other person is saying, then we might be giving the impression that we don’t believe their feelings and thoughts are important.  Therefore, we need to be careful that we don’t do things like interrupt, which can make the other person feel that their concerns are being overlooked and/or minimized.
• Have to get the last word in.   If we feel we have to do this, then we’re probably got the wrong attitude toward conflict resolution to begin with.   I don’t know about you, but if someone has to get the last word in, then I’m liable to think they’re trying to make me lose in some way.   Resolving conflict shouldn’t be about one person winning at the other’s expense.   It should be about recognizing that each person has needs and doing our best to meet all of those needs.
• Use generalizations like “always” and “never.”   It’s easy to say these things when we’re frustrated or upset.   However, we often say them when they’re not really accurate descriptors of the other person’s behavior.   So, out of fairness to the other person, we ought to try to avoid using such terms.